MACD 5/MACD 5.bin/workbench/blankery/swazblanker26/blankers/data/quotes/sayings#1

Text File | 1995-01-21 | 35KB | 1,008 lines

\* QUOTES FILE
\* Sayings
\*
%%
Against boredom, even the gods themselves struggle in vain.
%%
All the world's an analog stage and digital circuits play only bit parts.
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All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
%%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.
%%
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
%%
Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
%%
Ask a silly person, get a silly answer
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Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
%%
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
%%
Beware of Quantum ducks (Quark!Quark!Quark!)
%%
Blessed are the inept for
they will inherit the skies.
%%
Blood is thicker than water--and much tastier
%%
Born again virgin
%%
Brute force, clumsiness, ignorance, and superstition will always triumph over science, skill, knowledge, and logic.
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Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
%%
Computers were invented by Murphy.
%%
Conform, go crazy, or become an artist
%%
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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A desk is a wastebasket with drawers
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Don't ask me-I just work here
%%
Don't ask me
I'm making this up as I go along
%%
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep until noon
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Do unto others before they do unto you
%%
Due to a lack of trained trumpeteers, the end of the world has been postponed indefinately.
%%
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
%%
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
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Exceptions rule.
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A fool and his guilt are soon parted.
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God is real unless declared integer.
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Grab them by the balls -- the hearts and minds will follow.
%%
Graduate of the Han Solo school of asteroid belt navigation.
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Hell hath no fury like an unjustified assumption.
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He who turns and runs away gets shot in the back.
%%
I am not an alcoholic, I simply enjoy living in a liquid medium.
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I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving again.
%%
Ideas "off the top of the head" are like dandruff -- small and flaky
%%
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
%%
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I preach to.
%%
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than have a pre-frontal labotomy.
%%
I have not lost my mind -- it's backed up on disk somewhere
%%
I may be a craven little coward, but i'm a GREEDY craven little coward.
%%
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
%%
I think, therefore I am, I think?!
%%
If a man writes a better book, preaches a better sermon, or beds a better whore than his neighbor,
^though he builds his domicile deep in the woods, the world will beat a path to his door to find out
^who the better whore was.
%%
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along
^would destroy civilization.
%%
If God thought that nudity was O.K., we would have been born naked.
%%
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
%%
If the first person who answers the phone cannot answer your question, then its a bureaucracy.
%%
If they give you ruled paper, write the other way.
%%
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure.
%%
I'm a hacker--I don't know the meaning of sleep.
%%
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.
%%
Immoral Majority Charter Member.
%%
Indecision is the basis of flexibility.
%%
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded
^as a bad move.
%%
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
%%
It's not a dungeon--it's a fortified underground defense installation.
%%
It's what you can't see that can kill you.
%%
I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
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Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
%%
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
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The less you bother me, the sooner you'll get results.
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Let's split up. We can do more damage that way.
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Love thy neighbour, but be sure her husband is out of town.
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Machines should work. People should think.
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A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
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Moderation is for monks.
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The moral majority is neither.
%%
Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it.
%%
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
%%
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
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Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
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Never let your studies interfere with your education.
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Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
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Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
%%
No good deed goes unpunished.
%%
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
%%
Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason.
%%
Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible.
%%
Old mercenaries never die. They just go to hell and regroup.
%%
People in groups tend to agree on courses of action which as individuals,
they know are stupid.
%%
Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained.
%%
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on the earth.
%%
Reality is a hypothesis.
%%
Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull over to the side
of the road.
%%
Sin now -- Pray Later!
%%
Smile--It makes people wonder what you're thinking.
%%
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
%%
There are very few personal problems which can't be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
%%
There is a difference between an open mind and a hole in the head.
%%
There is always free cheese in a mousetrap.
%%
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why
^it is here, it will instanly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizzare and inexplicable.
^There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
%%
There is no point in worrying about apathy when you can't care less.
%%
Too many decisions are measured with a micrometer, marked with chalk, and cut with an axe.
%%
Two's company, three's the result.
%%
Under the most carefully controlled conditions of temperature,density, and pressure, the organism wil
^do what it damn well pleases.
%%
Unicorns aren't mythical -- virgins are!!
%%
Virginity can be cured.
%%
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
%%
The way to a man's heart is with a broadsword.
%%
What this world needs is a damn good plague.
%%
When all else fails, read the instructions!
%%
When the going gets wierd, the weird turn pro.
%%
Who is more foolish, the fool, or he who follows the fool?
%%
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
%%
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back, you've got something.
%%
You know better than to trust a strange computer.
%%
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
%%
She offered her honor. He honored her offer. And all night long it was honor and offer.
%%
Scientists say the only things which will survive a nuclear war are rats and cockroaches.
Therefore, if a war starts... GET YOUR ASS UNDER THE FRIDGE!
%%
IBM Manual: The following is a hertofore undocumented feature.
English Translation: It's a bug, it's our fault, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.
%%
Death to the fascist insects who suck the blood of the people!
%%
When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned.
%%
No experiment is ever a complete failure, in as much as a well-written account of it can serve
^admirably as a bad example.
%%
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.
%%
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
%%
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature.
%%
The plural of spouse is spice.
%%
Do not merely believe in miracles, rely on them.
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The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
%%
Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
%%
Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
%%
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
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I am a computer. As such I never have or will make a mistake or error (I thought i did once, but I was wrong).
%%
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
%%
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.
%%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
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He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
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There is hardly a thing in the world that someone cannot make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
%%
How often it is that the angry woman rages denial of what her inner self is telling her.
%%
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again.
%%
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
%%
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
%%
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
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Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
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Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
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Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children.
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Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
%%
Somebody ought to cross ballpoint pens with coat hangers, so that the pens will multiply instead of disappearing.
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A person forgives only when she is in the wrong.
%%
If a loafer is not a nuisance to you, it is a sign that you are somewhat of a loafer yourself.
%%
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
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The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
%%
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist, and too rich to be a communist.
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A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
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Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
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Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
%%
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.
%%
Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.
%%
Lisp: To call a spade a thpade.
%%
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.
%%
Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
%%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not
^stop until you get into the office.
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By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.
%%
A diplomat is a woman who always remembers a man's birthday but never remembers his age.
%%
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other
^half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
%%
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
%%
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
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Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
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Women were born to lie, and men to believe them.
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Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
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Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
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Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
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Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last..
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The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
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Every man is wrong until he cries, and then he is right, instantly.
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Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
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I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
%%
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
%%
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
%%
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
%%
Lighthouse: A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
%%
Philosopy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
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Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to know how to lie well.
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She is considered the most graceful speaker who can say nothing in most words.
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The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
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America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
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Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
%%
Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,  but not well enough to lend to.
%%
'Home, Sweet Home' must surely have been written by a bachelor.
%%
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
%%
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
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In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
%%
My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties.
%%
Older sister: "Why are you wearing my new raincoat?"
Younger sister: "I didn't want to get your new dress wet."
%%
Some people are discovered; others are found out.
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Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection.
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To laugh at persons of sense is the privilege of fools.
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Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
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With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
%%
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
%%
Dawn: The time when women of reason go to bed. Certain old women prefer
^to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an
^empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with
^pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe
^years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of
^their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust
^persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have
^tried it.
%%
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
%%
Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
%%
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
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He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
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The universe is laughing behind your back.
%%
You can call him an outdoor boy if he has the bloom of youth on his
cheeks and the cheeks of youth in his bloomers.
%%
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this telegram was sent from a
^wife to her husband: "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
%%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells awful.
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Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
%%
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
%%
To criticise the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticise the competent.
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Women seldom show dimples to boys who have pimples.
%%
The Hebrew school teacher asked one of his students if she said prayers before before meals.
^The proud little girl answered, "Oh, not me. I don't have to - my dad's a good cook."
%%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
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The best prophet of the future is the past.
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We took some pictures of the native boys, but they weren't developed.
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Maybe I was holding all the aces, but what was the game?
%%
To never see a fool, you lock yourself in an empty room and break all the mirrors.
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EVERYTHING NOT FORBIDDEN IS COMPULSORY.
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A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal.
%%
Corrupt: adj. In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
%%
Person: n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what she
^thinks she is as to overlook what she indubitably ought to be. Her
^chief occupation is extermination of other animals and her own species,
^which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
^the whole habitable earth and Canada.
%%
Occident: n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
^It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the
^Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
^they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
^principal industries of the Orient.
%%
Forenoon: n. The latter part of the night. Vulgar.
%%
Politics: n. pl. A means of livelihood affected by the more degraded portion of our criminal classes.
%%
Possession: n. The whole of the law.
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Preposterous: adj. The idea that murder is a crime.
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Saint: n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
%%
Scriptures: n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished
^from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
%%
Your life has been cancelled. Please report to the nearest soul reclamation center for recycling.
%%
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
%%
I hope someday a Pope chooses the name Shorty.
%%
Disco - A large group of people sweating in nice clothes.
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A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
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One nice thing about being dead is that you become eligible to appear on stamps and currency.
%%
If you subtract your pulse rate from your I.Q., you get your "blood-intelligence level." This
is the rate at which you decide not to do something which might make you bleed.
%%
If you subtract you sneaker size from the caliber of a bullet fired at you, you will get the
number of centimeters you can run before being hit.
%%
She was an earthly woman, so I treated her like dirt.
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Lie: The program is bug free.
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Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
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Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
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He who hesitates is last.
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Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
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A man's house is his hassle.
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Chaste makes waste.
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An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
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A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
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Neutrinos have bad breadth.
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Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
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Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
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Friction is a drag.
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Biology grows on you.
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Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
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If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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Schizophrenia beats being alone.
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Battle Creek makes cereal terminals.
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To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
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Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
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He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
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Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
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Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
%%
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
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Gravity brings me down.
%%
When you're up to your hips in alligators, you forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
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While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
%%
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!
%%
Do married women make the best wives?
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Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
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Drilling for oil is boring.
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Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
%%
Teachers have class.
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Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
%%
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
%%
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
%%
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
%%
On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise: "Where no man has gone before"
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Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
%%
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; Open it and you remove all doubt.
%%
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
%%
Money is the root of all wealth.
%%
Men have many faults, Women only two: Everything they say, And everything they do!
%%
I'm all for computer dating, But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
%%
If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane!
%%
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -
^the rest is overhead for the operating system.
%%
The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
%%
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
%%
If you see an onion ring - answer it!
%%
In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
%%
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
%%
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
%%
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
%%
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
%%
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
%%
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
%%
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
%%
Microwaves frizz your heir.
%%
Neil Armstrong tripped.
%%
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
%%
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
%%
Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
%%
Polymer physicists are into chains.
%%
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
%%
There's no future in time travel.
%%
Confucious say too damn much!
%%
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
%%
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
%%
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
%%
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
%%
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
%%
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
%%
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs.
%%
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
%%
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
%%
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
%%
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
%%
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
%%
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages will be known, far and wide, as a smart-ass.
%%
He who hesitates is constipated.
%%
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
%%
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time,
^but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
%%
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
%%
Astronauts are out to launch.
%%
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
%%
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
%%
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
%%
Biology grows on you.
%%
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
%%
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
%%
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
%%
An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.
%%
You can tune a piano, but you can`t tuna fish.
%%
What`s the most popular form of birth control? The headache.
%%
Ancient Chinese Curse: May you live in interesting times.
%%
This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.
%%
Crittendon`s 14th application of Murphy`s First Law: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which
^side of the bread to butter.
%%
Weiler`s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn`t  have to do it himself.
%%
Chisolm`s Third Law, Corollary 3:  Procedures designed to implement the purpose  won`t quite work.
%%
O`Toole`s Commentary on Murphy`s Laws:  Murphy was an optimist.
%%
Sevareid`s Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
%%
Kitman`s Law: Pure drivel tends to drive away ordinary drivel.
%%
Sattinger`s Law: It works better if you plug it in.
%%
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
%%
Zymurgy`s First Law of Evolving System Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan
^them is to use a larger can.
%%
Bye`s First Law of Model Railroading: Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of
^faults encountered is proportional to the number of viewers.
%%
Don`s Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
%%
First Law of Advice: The correct advice is to give the advice that is desired.
%%
Third Law of Advice: Simple advice is the best advice.
%%
The Fourth Law of Computing: On a slow day, you can wait forever.
%%
Sweer`s Impossibility Theorem: Nothing can be both completely general  and internally consistent at the same time.
%%
Murphy`s Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
%%
Murphy`s Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well,  you have obviously overlooked something.
%%
Chisolm`s Third Law, Corollary 1: If you explain so clearly that no one can misunderstand,  somebody will.
%%
Chisolm`s Third Law, Corollary 2: If you do something which you are sure will meet with  everyone`s approval, somebody won`t like it.
%%
Crane`s Law: There ain`t no such thing as a free lunch.
%%
Jones` Motto: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
%%
Gumperson`s Law: The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability.
%%
The usefulness of a meeting is inversely proportional to its attendance.
%%
Parkinson`s Second Law: Expenditures rise to meet income.
%%
Finagle`s Fourth Law: Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
%%
Always draw your curves then plot the readings.
%%
Experiments should be reproducable, - they should all fail in the same way.
%%
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
%%
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
%%
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%%
Cheops` Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
%%
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected; carefully planned
^projects only twice as long.
%%
Wynne`s Law: Negative slack tends to increase.
%%
Boren`s Law: When in doubt, mumble.
%%
Q`s Law: No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a project, the cost of the remainder of
^the project remains constant.
%%
Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.
%%
The six steps in a project:
 1) Unbounded enthusiasm
 2) Total disillusionment
 3) PANIC!!
 4) Frantic search for the guilty
 5) Punishment of the innocent
 6) Promotion of the uninvolved.
%%
Two wrongs do not make a right: it usually takes three or more.
%%
A lie in time saves nine.
%%
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
%%
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
%%
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
%%
Creditors have much better memories than debtors.
%%
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
%%
Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.
%%
Patience is something that you admire greatly in the driver behind you but not in the one ahead of you.
%%
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.
%%
It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about.
%%
Why can't lifes's big problems come when we are twenty and know everything ?
%%
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that that is the impression you will make.
%%
When you save for a long time to buy something, then you find that you can't afford it - that's inflation.
%%
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
%%
Labour: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
%%
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
%%
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
%%
Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
^he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
^occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
^which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
^the whole habitable earth and Canada.
%%
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
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Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
%%
November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
%%
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and
^vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
%%
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
%%
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
%%
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
^force is technically termed "car suck").
2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!"
%%
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
%%
Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
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"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
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Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
%%
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
^attracted to dark objects.
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Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
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If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field,
^then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
%%
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
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Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
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The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left
^handed people are in their right mind.
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"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is
^that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
%%
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
%%
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
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Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
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Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the Station-to-Station rate.
%%
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
%%
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
%%
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
%%
In the days of old, When Knights were bold, And women were too cautious;
%%
Oh, those gallant days, When women were women, And men were really obnoxious...
%%
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
^which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
%%
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
%%
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
%%
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
%%
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
%%
When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
%%
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
%%
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
%%
Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets.
%%
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most
^damage will be the one to go wrong.
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If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and
^circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
%%
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
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Every solution breeds new problems.
%%
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
%%
Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
%%
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
%%
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
%%
Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
%%
Finagle's second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
^someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
%%
Finagle's third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
^beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
%%
Corollaries:
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
%%
Finagle's fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
%%
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
%%
Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
%%
Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.
%%
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be
^expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
%%
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results.
^Positive expectations yield negative results.
%%
Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
%%
Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud.
%%
Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
%%
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
^vividly manifests their lack of progress.
%%
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
%%
Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
^bread to butter.
%%
Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
%%
Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
^directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
%%
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
%%
Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.
%%
Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance
^of any persons watching it.
%%
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
%%
Lowery's Law: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
%%
Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
%%
Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
%%
Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.
%%
Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
%%
Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
%%
Corollaries:
1. The bigger the theory, the better.
2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded
^to obtain a correspondence with the theory.
%%